Last winter I decided to shave my head...
A pretty forthright title, right?
Well, last November I shaved my head. I think it shocked quite a few people wondering why in the hell I would shave my head. I had nice hair...albeit ever changing. I think most people thought it was something "trendy" that I was doing to follow along with other radicals to give a big middle finger to society.
Although, I like that version because I am a rebel at heart...it wasn't my reason.
Shaving my head was something I seriously contemplated for 2 years or more. I felt as though it would be healing in some way if I just released this outer idea of what I should be...
but I was scared...terrified of what others would say or think of me.
AND that, my friends is why I finally decided to buzz the whole thing off.
We typically go through life secretly wanting others approval. We are constantly putting ourselves into these boxes by saying "Oh, that's not me..." or "Oh, I only wear my hair THIS way." or "Oh, I could never do that...I would look weird" And it's not just about looks. We move through life not wanting to make waves around the people we are connected with for some fear that they may not like us if we're weird or smelly, hairy or have outlandish ideas.
When I came to that realization that fear of what others may think was holding me back was when I made my breakthrough. It was a poignant moment that led me to push myself outside my own boundaries of what I felt comfortable with. In life, while making decisions of all kinds I find that the ones that create a bit of discomfort are usually the ones that create strength, character and growth the most. If I haven't had some of those in a while I know that I've become too comfortable in my own head and need to push myself to create new boundaries.
Buzzing my head was the best decision I could have made. My hair was an obsession. If I felt sad or happy or uncomfortable with myself I used my hair as a coping mechanism. I was ever changing my style to help sooth my soul. I would snip it here or chop it there, color it one way just to change it the next. It was a way for me to feel "good" about myself...even if it only lasted a few hours. I would cut my hair and love it for a week than look in the mirror and see the whole thing as ugly or not "me" anymore.
The obsession had to stop in order to silence the self deprecating pattern I was in.
I felt as though my hair had memories, thoughts, and feelings attached to it that needed to be released into the world so I could make new ones.
So, after a lot of chatter about it and hymning and hawing I finally picked up the buzzer and shaved it clean.
It was a release.
No hair cut ever felt so right.
It was a beautiful spiritual experience.
The obsession instantly stopped and I could just be.
I kept it buzzed for a few months until one day I felt that spark to grow it long again to create new memories, ideas, thoughts, emotions.
The obsession has stopped completely. I am 100% happy with my hair regardless of what it looks like. I have a Carol Brady thing going on these days, but I don't care. I am blessed to see it grow and blessed to feel such a release of emotional turmoil and obsession.
Even among the comments, stares and questions as to why I would do such a thing it has created a confidence in me that is genuine and unwavering. It has allowed me to break boundaries in myself to be comfortable with who I am regardless of how others view me.
It set me free.