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Authentic, Authenticity and the self.


What does it mean to you?

Authentic. It's a word I've been mulling over lately in my noggin. 
This word that comes up in my daily life while I'm reading, thinking, speaking.
I ponder it so much sometimes I feel like I may go crazy searching for the true meaning in my life.

But, I won't. I promise...
 Maybe just a little. 

Authentic means real; genuine. Of undisputed origin. Not copied or false. True and accurate. 

In many ways my life feels a bit lacking. Some days I feel like it lacks true authenticity. The true nitty gritty authentic real and genuine stuff life is made of. Truth be told I've felt like a robot many times. Beeboopin' around cooking, cleaning, caretaking and bed timing every day. The genuine mom, partner and artist has seemed to vanish. The monotony of the daily grind has sucked me dry of my authentic, quirky, weird self.
It's a tragedy to feel that way...for anyone. Sometimes I feel like there is this mask over me and my entire life, but I am the one keeping it there. If you can imagine a big veil hanging over something that seems so magical and pondering what is behind the veil creates so much anticipation you can hardly stand it. You are so curious you think about sneaking a peek under the sheet to see what lies beneath, but you can't. It's as if I am waiting for the perfect moment to unveil it in all it's glory, but I can't. It's almost like my hands won't allow me that. It's a strange feeling to have. When I ponder my authenticity, truth be told, I don't feel authentic. I feel like a fraud. A fake. A big 'ol phony. 
But, why is that?

I read one somewhere, in some sort of book, sometime, that one of the biggest fears that people have is to be found out. To have others figure out that they're a fake. To have others figure out you're a big phony at life.

Do you know why that is?
I think it mostly stems from fear of rejection.

My entire life I have been in this fear bubble that someone might give me rejection because I am weird or have a different view point or don't look a certain way. I have lived many years attempting to fit in, but rebelling against the philosophy of fitting in and then ending up discouraged, fear driven and lacking true authentic people in my life because of my own fears.

I think it may be time to change that. 

From now on this Weird Mama will ramble.
She will ramble about things she is passionate about regardless of how others may perceive her, regardless of if it triggers other people and their defensiveness, regardless of the fear that she has held on to for so long, regardless of what society says is socially acceptable or not.

Authenticity is the buzzword that I am using this year, and every year after.

The only way to truly be happy with yourself is to truly be authentic in every facet of your life. It all reflects who you are and it will bring out the best of you for yourself and others.
Otherwise, you're living a lackluster colorless life filled with cardboard cutouts..and you're one of them!
 Fuck cardboard and it's boring beigeness.

Hello weird, hairy, authentic uncomfortableness.


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