We all have it.
Some have mastered the art of pushing the fear they feel away and filling themselves with confidence and joy...other's live in a constant state of angst because of their irrational (and sometimes rational) fears.
I know fear well. It wormed it's way inside me at a fairly young age and has been terrorizing me ever since. I can't stand it. Fear is always something that I absolutely detested, yet was paralyzed by at times to the point where all I did was live out of fear. Fear of losing my children, fear of being hurt, fear of having someone being too close, fear of never amounting to anything. Just fear. It overwhelmed my life for years. Because of this fear I made decisions based on it, based on the irrational things I fear and closed myself down. This fear at times still lingers and has a deep and poignant scar on my life.
But, the thing is...I don't need this fear anymore. If you have fear, I don't think you do either.
Fear is not a healthy or hearty way to live. It creeps in slowly and starts to control every part of your being. It creeps into your every day thoughts, feelings and emotions. It creeps into the way you feel about yourself, the way you feel about others. It creeps in and destroys your life.
Truth be told, I only have a handful of close relationships in my life. As in, People who I can trust with my secrets, trust with my heart, and know that they won't try to hurt me. They don't pour guilt or shame on me and I love them dearly for that. My fear has created such a pocket within me that I have been afraid to step out of my little comfort zone and share myself with others. I am afraid of what they might think if they actually knew me. The real me. Not the on the surface stuff, I have a nice fake smile type, I will comply with what you say-me.
The actual real me. The real me that talks about offbeat topics and thinks abstractly. The real me that would love to share her artwork with you, the real me that is dying to have heartfelt conversation, the real me that really hates wearing pants. The real me that grows out all her body hair because she asks "why not?" Ya know, that sort of ME.
So, I ask myself (and you) where do you and I go from here? How can we shake the fear that is inside us and fill it with something more light, airy and beautiful?
For starters, I am going to be sharing more parts of myself with YOU. The deep and tricky stuff that sometimes people get a little bit nervous about. The topics that make my hands sweaty. Not only to give you a sense of who I truly am, but also to help repair the many fearful years I lived in.
So, today I am sharing something sacred with you. My first self portrait.
I call it Brave. I am brave in this life. I am fearless, loving and a confident woman. I live without fear of judgement or making mistakes.
I am a spirited wild woman.