Ahoy! So, I've had a bit of an absence lately, but for good reason. Planning a DIY wedding can be time consuming (especially with a baby AND a messy house!) But, that doesn't leave my thoughts unthought, mind you. There have been many a night this past few weeks where I fall asleep early then wake up in the wee hours of the AM only to have thoughts, ideas, colors, patterns, life ponderings and business ventures all flood my mind only to sit and keep my up. While, I usually would fall asleep at some point they would ramble around in my head for quite a while until I was so exhausted I would finally pass out.
So, this early AM (It's 5:00am...) it felt different. I feel rested. I also feel the need to purge my outpouring of brain goo.
I have been thinking about my daughter a lot lately. As I type it, I still get weirded out saying I have a daughter. It makes this Weird Mama feel all funny. For many of you who know me personally you know I have been surrounded by boys my entire life. I was the only girl of 4 brothers, I had lots of boy cousins whom I looked at as brothers, I was surrounded by my brothers and all their boyish friends, and then later it turned out I would have 3 sons of my own, as well as 4 nephews. If you had asked me a few years ago if I was ever going to be a mom of a girl I would have scoffed at the thought and cringed. I saw girls as this weird species (even though I was one!) And, having a daughter was the farthest thing from my "to-do" list. Admittedly, I was TERRIFIED of having a daughter. I thought I was better off being surrounded by boys. Girls were uncharted territory that made my head spin. In all honesty, my fears always got the best of me. The thought terrified me because of the dramatic (and potentially) costly effect I might have on her because of my own scars. I might screw up this delicate, beautiful, sweet, angelic creature because I have all these inner hangups and wounds from my life.
So, I concluded that no girls were ever being had.
End of story.
Well, when I met the sweet man (who is cuddled up sleeping next to our daughter as I type...) whom I knew I wanted to share my life's path with I always joked (usually within my own head) that HE would be the one to give me that daughter I was so terrified of. Why you ask? Because he makes me tackle my shit head on. He makes it difficult to not see these ridiculous hangups, wounds, and scars inside myself that need immense healing and truth be told, that man has helped me heal some of those deep scars. He's been a game changer...
So, Fast forward 3ish years to the first few weeks of my newly pregnant mind and body. The moment that I felt I was pregnant I knew it was a girl. I just had that overwhelming feeling that my life was about to change dramatically. I was terrified my entire pregnancy. I even told a few strangers my irrational fear of having a little girl when they'd ask if I was excited. "Sure, I am excited, but I might fuck up this precious angel...sooooo, I am more so nervous than excited..."*cue awkward laugh...
The thoughts swirled my head until the moment I touched her soft pink skin. Then, just like that, in an instant it all melted away.
That moment in the delivery room, after an intense grueling labor, I met this tiny creature that softened everything inside of me. It was as if she said to my heart "It's okay, Mama, we're going to be just fine." I knew then I didn't have to be scared that I was going to screw her up. She was already working her magic at 3 minutes old.
Because of my daughter I want to become the best example of a woman I can become, but not only for her, but for myself.
There have been too many minutes, days, years that I have skated through where the self hatred was deep and the love of myself (and others) was shallow. This has caused me much grief in my own life. In the short almost 7 months of having my sweet girl my self love, acceptance, and joy has grown and it has quickly taken over the self loathing I have felt for a long time. There are moments where I start to pick myself apart, but then I see that sweet cherub staring up at me and I know that in order to be the best womanly example I can be, it starts with me. It starts inside of me. She deserves to see a mother who is self loving and has an immense joy in her heart that no one can take away. She deserves to see that quiet confidence will outshine any piece of clothing, jewel, or newest makeup trend any day. I can guide her on her womanly journey by showing her how to take care of one self. This is the true magic I have gained from having my daughter. There is a spark inside me that I have never felt before. The self love has turned into a fire that warms my belly and continues to grow each day. My creative energy has taken hold, my heart feels warm, and I am starting to feel my inner femininity come back.
I can truly say that having my daughter has and will continue to change my life.
She's such a gift.
|My E and I.|