Monday, February 22, 2016

Where there is darkness, there is light.

As the allure of spring emerges with longer days and warmer temps many of us see the light at the end of this cold and temporary stark tunnel called winter. 
Winter is a time for introspection, healing, rest and more than anything a time to settle into the ups and downs of emotions you may feel, because it's okay to feel those ups and downs. 

As I reflect back on this winter in particular, I have found it to be strange, tiresome and somewhat emotionally draining. 

I often pondered our miscarriage and what it meant to us as a family and me as a woman and mother.
 I often asked myself what positive light could I take away from that situation. 

Truth be told, after you have a miscarriage you're not really sure how to feel, act, think or even speak at times. Just like the lack of information on actual miscarriage (that is REAL and RELEVANT), there is even less on how you feel and process what happened. 
For many months after our miscarriage I would openly talk about it with little emotion. If I felt comfortable enough with someone I would get teary eyed from time to time, but then days later break down and sob silently when no one was watching. It was my cycle that I got stuck in for a time. I felt numb, but not, at the same time. I couldn't even put into words what I was feeling most days. I was stricken with grief over loosing a child, but so thankful for the children I had, but also fearful that I may never have another child. I felt like I had postpartum depression in the worst way, but not having a small cuddly baby in my arms to help me continually put it into perspective made me feel like I was losing it. The ups and downs of how I felt was overwhelming at times. 
Many people who were familiar with our story opened up and shared their own stories of loss. It was comforting and healing, not only for me, but at times I could see that it was also healing for them. These beautiful moments that I was able to share with so many were so encouraging for my spirit to help me realize that this darkness I was experiencing was only temporary. After a few months of many emotional break downs I realized that each break down or sad moment was getting fewer and fewer. I would go 2 days without thinking about our miscarriage, then it would be 5 days, then a week. Suddenly, instead of crying about our baby I would see overwhelming signs that it was okay and life was just the way it should be. I would see beautiful *butterflies in the smallest ways to comfort my spirit and make me smile. 

 *( I saw butterflies daily while pregnant with our baby and after our miscarriage even more so. They would often land near me or one me as if to tell me our little life was special in a very big way) 

As I sit here today I ponder so many things...
Gratitude. Joy. Excitement. Love...just to name a few. 
All of these buzzwords pop into my head because 5 months after enduring a painful loss my husband and I saw a beautiful little positive sign on the oh so familiar pregnancy stick. 

It wasn't easy going through the first trimester (which is the hardest trimester for me) to discover you're having a miscarriage, then endure postpartum blues for many months, only to do do the first trimester all over again.

But, I assure you all of that fatigue, rocky feelings of wanting to vomit everywhere, the emotional waves of crying over cute babies and heart warming stories (which still happens, mind you) are so worth it. My fears of not being able to potentially have another child melted off of me the minute I saw those positive signs. I felt so much comfort from our lost child that it's still hard to describe. I have seen our little life growing inside me and moving it's cute little arms and legs. I have been assured by my body that I am healthy and well. 

Through all of this weird darkness that we endured I can attest to the saying "Where there is darkness, there is light." I feel the little light inside my growing womb daily. 
We are so excited to be welcoming our 5th little weirdo in August. 






Thursday, January 7, 2016

Authentic, Authenticity and the self.

Authentic.

What does it mean to you?


Authentic. It's a word I've been mulling over lately in my noggin. 
This word that comes up in my daily life while I'm reading, thinking, speaking.
I ponder it so much sometimes I feel like I may go crazy searching for the true meaning in my life.

But, I won't. I promise...
 Maybe just a little. 

Authentic means real; genuine. Of undisputed origin. Not copied or false. True and accurate. 


In many ways my life feels a bit lacking. Some days I feel like it lacks true authenticity. The true nitty gritty authentic real and genuine stuff life is made of. Truth be told I've felt like a robot many times. Beeboopin' around cooking, cleaning, caretaking and bed timing every day. The genuine mom, partner and artist has seemed to vanish. The monotony of the daily grind has sucked me dry of my authentic, quirky, weird self.
It's a tragedy to feel that way...for anyone. Sometimes I feel like there is this mask over me and my entire life, but I am the one keeping it there. If you can imagine a big veil hanging over something that seems so magical and pondering what is behind the veil creates so much anticipation you can hardly stand it. You are so curious you think about sneaking a peek under the sheet to see what lies beneath, but you can't. It's as if I am waiting for the perfect moment to unveil it in all it's glory, but I can't. It's almost like my hands won't allow me that. It's a strange feeling to have. When I ponder my authenticity, truth be told, I don't feel authentic. I feel like a fraud. A fake. A big 'ol phony. 
But, why is that?

I read one somewhere, in some sort of book, sometime, that one of the biggest fears that people have is to be found out. To have others figure out that they're a fake. To have others figure out you're a big phony at life.

Do you know why that is?
I think it mostly stems from fear of rejection.

My entire life I have been in this fear bubble that someone might give me rejection because I am weird or have a different view point or don't look a certain way. I have lived many years attempting to fit in, but rebelling against the philosophy of fitting in and then ending up discouraged, fear driven and lacking true authentic people in my life because of my own fears.

I think it may be time to change that. 


From now on this Weird Mama will ramble.
She will ramble about things she is passionate about regardless of how others may perceive her, regardless of if it triggers other people and their defensiveness, regardless of the fear that she has held on to for so long, regardless of what society says is socially acceptable or not.


Authenticity is the buzzword that I am using this year, and every year after.


The only way to truly be happy with yourself is to truly be authentic in every facet of your life. It all reflects who you are and it will bring out the best of you for yourself and others.
Otherwise, you're living a lackluster colorless life filled with cardboard cutouts..and you're one of them!
 Fuck cardboard and it's boring beigeness.

Hello weird, hairy, authentic uncomfortableness.













Tuesday, August 11, 2015

A Miscarriage Story.

Miscarriage. 
It's a topic that seems emotionally charged, but also one that no one seems to talk about. 

Many women have endured a miscarriage of some sort, but have kept the experience hidden or quiet, like it wasn't worth sharing. I know of many women in my life who have had a miscarriage, but I have never heard anything beyond that. I know it's emotional and maybe it's too painful to talk about, but I also know when you talk about something it can ease the pain.

This topic is seemingly made small and lacks correct information if you have never endured a miscarriage yourself or talked to someone close to you who has.  During my miscarriage my husband had someone flippantly say to him "Oh, it happens all the time, it's not a big deal." The misinformation that this man held was outright ridiculous. To trivialize something large like losing a baby makes my cheeks flush with rage. 

Having a miscarriage is a heartbreakingly painful and emotional process to endure, but I don't think it's meant to be swept under the rug, kept quiet or trivialized.
I just don't think it is. 

I know for me, it's not. 


I endured a miscarriage very recently.
I was 12 weeks along when the miscarriage began, but had known since I was 9 and a half weeks that it was going to happen.

Our pregnancy started just like any other pregnancy. You get the symptoms, take the test and when those 2 pink lines show up you feel some sort of emotion. Whether it be scared, excited, nervous, anxious, happy. We were excited and happy. As my mother-in-law would excitedly say "We're having another little boo-boo!" With each pregnancy it always seems like I show earlier and earlier. This pregnancy was no different. The minute we found out it seemed like our little boo boo made an appearance. I was feeling fatigued, sick and all foods made me feel nauseated. The pregnancy seemed to be progressing beautifully and we were excited to be the first to have a February baby in our family.
It wasn't until at my 9 week point I was having a weird side pain. It was a bit bothersome and it worried me because of the flank location. So, I randomly called to make an appointment and was set up with an OB. When I went in he didn't seem too worried, but wanted to do an ultrasound just to make sure it wasn't a tubal pregnancy developing. I was more thinking kidney pain. During the ultrasound I could tell immediately that something was off. I couldn't see our baby's heartbeat fluttering on the screen...which, with our daughter, even at 6 weeks I could see her beautiful flutter on that screen. The doctor was very quiet and finally said "Well, there is no tubal pregnancy, you can see the fetus here, but at the moment there is no heartbeat. The baby is measuring a couple weeks off from your date, so maybe your dates are off. Just give it a week and go see your regular midwife to see if the baby is developing." I slowly got dressed as my head started reeling in what my next steps are.

I wasn't prepared for this information.

The next few days flew by in a blur, but were also the longest days I have encountered in a long while. I didn't know what to do with the news I had received, but I definitely knew it was going to happen. I wanted to be hopeful, but both my husband and I knew our dates were not off. I could feel my pregnancy symptoms diminishing each day and in that first week of knowing I had some significant contractions and hard cramping, but no spotting. One week later I went to the midwife and the same results were given to us from their ultrasound.
Our baby was no longer our baby, but turning to tissue and clots.
I was given a few options of how I could approach my impending miscarriage. Pills to help it pass, A surgical process to dilate my cervix so it can be removed and scraped out, or a natural miscarriage.

The only way I felt like I could truly emotionally connect with my body and what it was doing was a natural miscarriage.
So, we waited.

The days seemed to go by so slowly. I felt like a ticking time bomb about to go off at any minute. I didn't want to stray far from our home, but because of our wedding reception that we had been planning for months in advance (that happen to fall in the same weeks as our miscarriage news.) I had to grocery shop, clean, make big decisions and prepare. Luckily, I have 2 mothers who are also saints in their spare time who helped with cooking food and cleaning my house better than it's ever been cleaned. For them I am ever filled with gratitude.

I was a damn wreck inside my head, but tried to keep it together as best as possible for everyone else. I didn't cry much, but I got really pissed off at times. Because of all of the outside distraction I felt like I couldn't tap into what was truly going on inside my body. The cramps and contractions always made sure to let me know my reality, but I kept begging my body to just get through our reception week. I did start lightly spotting brown mucus the day before our reception, but the heavy bleeding held off until a few days later.

I knew the impending doom of what I was about to experience, but only after I had found a few great blogs describing what could happen during a natural miscarriage. Before this point I knew nothing about miscarriages. I thought they could be hard, yes because of the emotional aspect, but painful? No. You have such a tiny thing inside you, why would there be pain? It should just feel like your period, right? When I started to read about what it may feel like I knew that this will be one of the hardest things my husband and I will ever go through as a couple.

The day it happened I woke up knowing it was the day. I asked my body to let it be the day. I had an overwhelming feeling that I needed to rest so I slept in with our sleeping beauty. I felt so exhausted the whole day and was having cramps, but needed some sort of grounding, so I took our daughter outside in the early evening as the cramps began to increase in intensity and frequency. As I watched her play in all her innocence, feeling the sun warm me and hearing the breezes sing calmly in my ear I succumbed to the peace and told my body she was ready. A half an hour later while sitting at the dinner table with my family I began to intensely bleed bright red blood. I ran to the bathroom and passed my first clot. From then on I was having contraction every 2 minutes apart and could feel the bearing down feeling every time I needed to pass clots. The pain was intense just like labor. The bearing down feeling came when large clots were passing and I had to push to get them out of my body. Every time I had contractions I could feel blood pouring out of me. After a few hours of passing clots on the toilet I felt intense contractions hitting me and decided to switch to a tub filled with warm water. It  helped to calm and relax me in the process. The water was magical in a way. I passed several more clots while in the tub, but began to feel light headed and feeling as though I would pass out every time I stood. It was at that time my mom showed up so Rob and I made the decision to go to the ER. I had an IV for fluids put in me and we waited until I could stand to go home.

Finally, when we got home around 3:30 AM I was feeling better than I had been and the contractions had subsided. My first round of contractions lasted about 9-10 hours.
The next day I slept a large portion of the day and woke up with more contractions, clot passing and heavy bleeding. This cycle lasted for a few days after the initial miscarriage process began.

If you ask me how I am doing emotionally, physically, mentally I don't think I could give you a straight answer. It's been a couple of weeks since our miscarriage, but I still feel like my head is in a fog. I just feel off. I feel like a clouded mess who can't shake a dark cloud.
 I want to cry, a lot.
I have, but not enough.
I have gotten really angry and broken down to nothing to give but tears and silence.

I was asked recently when I would get out of this funk I'm in. When I would stop living in a fog.
I have no answer for that. I don't know.

Most days I silently suffer because I don't know how else to cope with this loss. A loss of what could have been my child. A loss of another family member we'll never get to meet. A loss of a sibling for my children. A loss of seeing my husband squeezing so tightly at our new bundle.

I can be comforted in the fact knowing, though, that among this darkness that we endure, there is light that comes from it and we learn from our encounters. Good and bad.
Through this loss we will learn.



Monday, March 16, 2015

This is Us.

This is us.

 Robert and I. 



We've been together for 5 years. 
Sometimes it feels like it's been 15 because of the deep bond we share, but other times it feels like 5 minutes because of the butterflies I still get when we're together. 

He makes me feel young, yet mature. I love him so deeply. 

He has graciously cared for children that aren't his because he loves me and believes in us. He has gifted me with a sweet and magical little cherub of a daughter. 

I deeply adore him and I know the feeling is mutual. 

I cannot imagine wanting to spend my days earth side with anyone else besides him. 

Even though we feel like we are married in our hearts, we are officially tying the knot soon. 

This love of ours is special, authentic, raw, and wild. 










Thursday, February 19, 2015

Weird Mama screams for DIY!

Hey All! 

So, I have created a lovely DIY tutorial over at Weird Mama Wed's
I am so excited to be in full swing wedding mode. I have so many great idea's swirling in my melon and I can't wait to share them with ALL of you!

So, here is a sneak peek of the DIY today....

Material Pom Poms. Go Check it out now! 




Saturday, February 14, 2015

A daughter changes everything.

Ahoy! So, I've had a bit of an absence lately, but for good reason. Planning a DIY wedding can be time consuming (especially with a baby AND a messy house!) But, that doesn't leave my thoughts unthought, mind you. There have been many a night this past few weeks where I fall asleep early then wake up in the wee hours of the AM only to have thoughts, ideas, colors, patterns, life ponderings and business ventures all flood my mind only to sit and keep my up. While, I usually would fall asleep at some point they would ramble around in my head for quite a while until I was so exhausted I would finally pass out. 

So, this early AM (It's 5:00am...) it felt different. I feel rested. I also feel the need to purge my outpouring of brain goo. 


I have been thinking about my daughter a lot lately. As I type it, I still get weirded out saying I have a daughter. It makes this Weird Mama feel all funny. For many of you who know me personally you know I have been surrounded by boys my entire life. I was the only girl of 4 brothers, I had lots of boy cousins whom I looked at as brothers, I was surrounded by my brothers and all their boyish friends, and then later it turned out I would have 3 sons of my own, as well as 4 nephews. If you had asked me a few years ago if I was ever going to be a mom of a girl I would have scoffed at the thought and cringed. I saw girls as this weird species (even though I was one!) And, having a daughter was the farthest thing from my "to-do" list.  Admittedly, I was TERRIFIED of having a daughter. I thought I was better off being surrounded by boys. Girls were uncharted territory that made my head spin. In all honesty, my fears always got the best of me. The thought terrified me because of the dramatic (and potentially) costly effect I might have on her because of my own scars. I might screw up this delicate, beautiful, sweet, angelic creature because I have all these inner hangups and wounds from my life. 
 NO WAY. 
So, I concluded that no girls were ever being had.
End of story. 
Well, when I met the sweet man (who is cuddled up sleeping next to our daughter as I type...) whom I knew I wanted to share my life's path with I always joked (usually within my own head) that HE would be the one to give me that daughter I was so terrified of. Why you ask? Because he makes me tackle my shit head on. He makes it difficult to not see these ridiculous hangups, wounds, and scars inside myself that need immense healing and truth be told, that man has helped me heal some of those deep scars. He's been a game changer...

So, Fast forward 3ish years to the first few weeks of my newly pregnant mind and body. The moment that I felt I was pregnant I knew it was a girl. I just had that overwhelming feeling that my life was about to change dramatically. I was terrified my entire pregnancy. I even told a few strangers my irrational fear of having a little girl when they'd ask if I was excited. "Sure, I am excited, but I might fuck up this precious angel...sooooo, I am more so nervous than excited..."*cue awkward laugh...
 The thoughts swirled my head until the moment I touched her soft pink skin. Then, just like that, in an instant it all melted away. 
That moment in the delivery room, after an intense grueling labor, I met this tiny creature that softened everything inside of me. It was as if she said to my heart "It's okay, Mama, we're going to be just fine." I knew then I didn't have to be scared that I was going to screw her up. She was already working her magic at 3 minutes old. 

Because of my daughter I want to become the best example of a woman I can become, but not only for her, but for myself. 
There have been too many minutes, days, years that I have skated through where the self hatred was deep and the love of myself (and others) was shallow. This has caused me much grief in my own life. In the short almost 7 months of having my sweet girl my self love, acceptance, and joy has grown and it has quickly taken over the self loathing I have felt for a long time. There are moments where I start to pick myself apart, but then I see that sweet cherub staring up at me and I know that in order to be the best womanly example I can be, it starts with me. It starts inside of me. She deserves to see a mother who is self loving and has an immense joy in her heart that no one can take away. She deserves to see that quiet confidence will outshine any piece of clothing, jewel, or newest makeup trend any day. I can guide her on her womanly journey by showing her how to take care of one self. This is the true magic I have gained from having my daughter. There is a spark inside me that I have never felt before. The self love has turned into a fire that warms my belly and continues to grow each day. My creative energy has taken hold, my heart feels warm, and I am starting to feel my inner femininity come back. 

I can truly say that having my daughter has and will continue to change my life. 
She's such a gift.

My E and I.

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Weird Mama Weds!



Go check out the new blog...it's devoted to our upcoming wedding :) 



https://weirdmamaweds.wordpress.com/

Thursday, February 5, 2015

Deep Intense Passion.

I've been thinking a lot about Passion lately...

 Intensity. Fervor. Joy. Zeal. Excitement. Devotion. Spirit. Warmth.
These are all AMAZING words that describe passion.

 Passion is a weird thing. It can strike your heart so quickly you feel breathless, but in the same instant it can deflate you because it's gone. Passion is a word that hits a cord in me. I have so much intense passion in my life ( I am not talking about the "wow, you're so hot you're making me melt" type passion...We'll leave that for another days topic!) but the intense artistic passion that keeps me up at night because I am so excited. The passion that I feel when I create. The passion that burns within me right at the base of my belly that leaves me feeling all goofy inside. This passion can be hard to come by at times, though. I know, I can attest to that with my whole heart. When I've  gone for months without creating I have always began to feel a bit lackluster, lifeless and dull. It's as if there is a haze buzzing about me at all times that I can't clear away. I have been in that fog so many times in my life. Many times I have allowed myself to get swept up in outside issues, people or situations that eventually steal that passion from me. I have succumb to the fog and just walked in a hazy cloud feeling fruitless. 

Why am I telling you all this? Well, because I am hoping many people can relate. 

I am also telling you this because I think my passion is coming back.
I felt as though I've been in a fog for a long while now, but do you know what was truly missing while I was walking around in that daze? CREATING. The one thing I KNOW I was born to do, I wasn't doing it. My 2 very special hands attached to my body weren't doing what they were supposed to be doing. I've been so caught up in other non-important stupid shit that makes no damn difference to me in the big picture for some reason. I truly feel in my heart that in order for passion to flow through me I have to keep creating and tapping into this beautiful artistic mindset that I have stumbled into again. So, that's what I am doing. I am feeling more and more like my self every single day I can sit down and take a beautiful photograph, write a beautiful sentence or paint something moving. She's coming back. This weirdo is coming back to show the world what she's got! 

So, I ask you to look inside yourself and truly ask yourself if you have been walking around in daze. If you have, dig deep and meditate on what you may be missing, what you are truly PASSIONATE about. When you find it, don't let it go. Tap into it even if it's just a little. The fog will start to lift, I promise. I've felt it lifting in my own life.

So, All you weirdos, I leave you with a few images that my passion has manifested lately...These are just re-edits of photos I have taken over the course of time. I Love these photos because there is such an intricate attention to detail. That detail makes me all squirmy with excitement. 

And yes, they are all engagement rings. I've got weddings on the brain!
You can find more of my passion HERE :) 







Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Yes, It's actually happening....


Seriously? YES, seriously. 

It's finally happening.

My main (and only) squeeze are finally tying the knot. We've been engaged for quite a while (more than 2 years to be exact)...

So, we finally figured "Hey, Why not? You're cute, I'm cute and we sure make hella cute babies."

All jokes aside, we are so very excited. We finally chose a date last week when we actually had a bit of alone time on an actual DATE (Date, alone time? What's that?) While we enjoyed some malts and Chipotle.

We already in our hearts are basically married, but having a great outward expression of our love for our kids and family will just be that much sweeter. We've been through a lot of ups and downs. I honestly don't know what I would do without that man. He has stood by me through a heck of a lot of trials and tribulations. He has trudged in the deep dark crud right along side me even though it wasn't his mucky yucky stuff to tackle. He has gifted me with a beautiful daughter and has taught me to be more patient and understanding of others. I assure you, I am no easy cat to live with. If you compare me to an actual cat you could safely say I am one of those swat at you when you want affection types that will be as stubborn as possible until you least want it, then I will come rub my sweet little dread head right on your computer screen to annoy the shit of you cats. If you know cats...then you will COMPLETELY understand the type I am talking about. 

I've had lots of ideas, emotions and colorful crafts all running through my head since we picked a date out...so, my creations have been reflecting that lately. I am still going strong on my 30 days of creating challenge that I gave to myself. I must say that it is refreshing, fun and really opens up my mind, soul, and heart when I am able to sit (or stand) each day and create works of art. It's been really therapeutic and soul healing to get in touch with my true creative self again. 

I am in the process of starting a blog to document our journey to our marriage...So, make sure to check back to grab the link :) 



I should be sleeping...I work too late sometimes on my art. 



Stay weird people and keep creating! 

Monday, February 2, 2015

Fear.

Fear. 
We all have it. 

Some have mastered the art of pushing the fear they feel away and filling themselves with confidence and joy...other's live in a constant state of angst because of their irrational (and sometimes rational) fears.

I know fear well. It wormed it's way inside me at a fairly young age and has been terrorizing me ever since. I can't stand it. Fear is always something that I absolutely detested, yet was paralyzed by at times to the point where all I did was live out of fear. Fear of losing my children, fear of being hurt, fear of having someone being too close, fear of never amounting to anything. Just fear. It overwhelmed my life for years. Because of this fear I made decisions based on it, based on the irrational things I fear and closed myself down. This fear at times still lingers and has a deep and poignant scar on my life. 

But, the thing is...I don't need this fear anymore. If you have fear, I don't think you do either. 

Fear is not a healthy or hearty way to live. It creeps in slowly and starts to control every part of your being. It creeps into your every day thoughts, feelings and emotions. It creeps into the way you feel about yourself, the way you feel about others. It creeps in and destroys your life. 

Truth be told, I only have a handful of close relationships in my life. As in, People who I can trust with my secrets, trust with my heart, and know that they won't try to hurt me. They don't pour guilt or shame on me and I love them dearly for that. My fear has created such a pocket within me that I have been afraid to step out of my little comfort zone and share myself with others. I am afraid of what they might think if they actually knew me. The real me. Not the on the surface stuff, I have a nice fake smile type, I will comply with what you say-me. 
The actual real me. The real me that talks about offbeat topics and thinks abstractly. The real me that would love to share her artwork with you, the real me that is dying to have heartfelt conversation, the real me that really hates wearing pants. The real me that grows out all her body hair because she asks "why not?" Ya know, that sort of ME. 

So, I ask myself (and you) where do you and I go from here? How can we shake the fear that is inside us and fill it with something more light, airy and beautiful? 

For starters, I am going to be sharing more parts of myself with YOU. The deep and tricky stuff that sometimes people get a little bit nervous about. The topics that make my hands sweaty. Not only to give you a sense of who I truly am, but also to help repair the many fearful years I lived in. 

So, today I am sharing something sacred with you. My first self portrait. 
I call it Brave. I am brave in this life. I am fearless, loving and a confident woman. I live without fear of judgement or making mistakes. 

I am a spirited wild woman.