As the allure of spring emerges with longer days and warmer temps many of us see the light at the end of this cold and temporary stark tunnel called winter.
Winter is a time for introspection, healing, rest and more than anything a time to settle into the ups and downs of emotions you may feel, because it's okay to feel those ups and downs.
As I reflect back on this winter in particular, I have found it to be strange, tiresome and somewhat emotionally draining.
I often pondered our miscarriage and what it meant to us as a family and me as a woman and mother.
I often asked myself what positive light could I take away from that situation.
Truth be told, after you have a miscarriage you're not really sure how to feel, act, think or even speak at times. Just like the lack of information on actual miscarriage (that is REAL and RELEVANT), there is even less on how you feel and process what happened.
For many months after our miscarriage I would openly talk about it with little emotion. If I felt comfortable enough with someone I would get teary eyed from time to time, but then days later break down and sob silently when no one was watching. It was my cycle that I got stuck in for a time. I felt numb, but not, at the same time. I couldn't even put into words what I was feeling most days. I was stricken with grief over loosing a child, but so thankful for the children I had, but also fearful that I may never have another child. I felt like I had postpartum depression in the worst way, but not having a small cuddly baby in my arms to help me continually put it into perspective made me feel like I was losing it. The ups and downs of how I felt was overwhelming at times.
Many people who were familiar with our story opened up and shared their own stories of loss. It was comforting and healing, not only for me, but at times I could see that it was also healing for them. These beautiful moments that I was able to share with so many were so encouraging for my spirit to help me realize that this darkness I was experiencing was only temporary. After a few months of many emotional break downs I realized that each break down or sad moment was getting fewer and fewer. I would go 2 days without thinking about our miscarriage, then it would be 5 days, then a week. Suddenly, instead of crying about our baby I would see overwhelming signs that it was okay and life was just the way it should be. I would see beautiful *butterflies in the smallest ways to comfort my spirit and make me smile.
*( I saw butterflies daily while pregnant with our baby and after our miscarriage even more so. They would often land near me or one me as if to tell me our little life was special in a very big way)
As I sit here today I ponder so many things...
Gratitude. Joy. Excitement. Love...just to name a few.
All of these buzzwords pop into my head because 5 months after enduring a painful loss my husband and I saw a beautiful little positive sign on the oh so familiar pregnancy stick.
It wasn't easy going through the first trimester (which is the hardest trimester for me) to discover you're having a miscarriage, then endure postpartum blues for many months, only to do do the first trimester all over again.
But, I assure you all of that fatigue, rocky feelings of wanting to vomit everywhere, the emotional waves of crying over cute babies and heart warming stories (which still happens, mind you) are so worth it. My fears of not being able to potentially have another child melted off of me the minute I saw those positive signs. I felt so much comfort from our lost child that it's still hard to describe. I have seen our little life growing inside me and moving it's cute little arms and legs. I have been assured by my body that I am healthy and well.
Through all of this weird darkness that we endured I can attest to the saying "Where there is darkness, there is light." I feel the little light inside my growing womb daily.
We are so excited to be welcoming our 5th little weirdo in August.